Stranger

Perhaps it is the mystery that attracts us to strangers.To sit next to a person on a bus, or in a subway, knowing that you may not see them ever again.You will never know the joy , the anger of betrayal, the sadness of loss, that they may or may never experience.Those eyes hold wisdom and truth, that you will never know.But for that brief moment as you head to a destination you have a link with that stranger.You two are in the same place at the same time sharing an experience.As quickly though, as these thoughts emerge, the journey ends and the thoughts subside.as you walk down the steps and onto the pavement, you can’t help but wonder what was going through that person’s mind as they sat next to you, a grocery list?a song?a loved one?and you wonder if they will ever think of you or it you were just another stranger in their life…..

The Answer

As a child i always asked the question, “how do you know?” The answer given was never sufficient, it was simply “you just do”. In the past I have pondered this question but as of now in my present, it has been made clear to me, as to what the answer is, Love- a word with countless connotations, denotations and emotions associated with it, is unique to each individual, but what links individuals is that they realize what they have. People always say Love is blind, but True Love, between two people is eye opening. This is my definition of love. 

Of course the first conversation was simple, as we had never met, but I think perhaps it was?is better that way, because i developed such a deep respect and admiration for him. But once we met I feel that was it, there was a spark. His smile mesmerized me, his voice-captivating, as he sang each time he gazed into my eyes I could not shake the feeling that he was special, different somehow. A feeling I can’t explain came over me and after he left I could not stop imagining his smile,the passion with which he sang amazed me..even though he wasn’t even trying to.Perhaps it was his singing or his smile, or his apparent good nature, but I knew this boy was blessed, because that is the only explanation for how amazing he is. So, our  conversations grew longer as we grew closer. The more I got to know about him the more I found myself full of wonderment, that somebody like this could exist. So with each look, each embrace, and each goodbye I find I am consumed with a feeling previously unknown. He knows the real person I am, and hope to be, and he accepts it. While there may be plenty about me he doesn’t know, for the first time in my life, I find I am not scared to let my walls down and let him know those things. Because of him I am not scared anymore I am see the good things that I am blessed with and I think of him, because he is a blessing as well. When I see the bad things in life I have more courage to face them because he has shown me the person that I can be. He may not even be aware of it he has shown me what trust is and i trust him with my whole being. I know that his eyes hold no judgement where i am concerned and i know that he won’t look at me and see only the flaws; for this I trust him more than i have trusted any person. I not only trust him but I feel safe with him. These words may seem synonymous, they hold and entirely different meaning for me. When I’m with him, its as though nothing else exists, nothing can harm me, no thought, word, or person can hurt me when his arms are around me. All essence of time has disappeared and nothing can touch us. Now i finally understand when people say they feel like the only two people in the world. Before i thought this idea stupid, but it has become a reality to me.The idea that there is a person your meant to be with- a soulmate- one true love, also seemed absurd but now I find I fully believe these ideas to exist, for I think i have found mine. People always think the next relationship is different, this one truly is. I have no need to try and convince myself nor anyone else of this truth,since it is abundantly clear. He treats me with respect and makes me want to be better. He brings out the best in me, and as far as I can tell he is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

The butterflies I get when he talks about the future, the smile on my face when he sings, the comfort I get from his embrace and the things I feel in my heart can only be explained as love, this relationship.L o v e.I am not scared to start again because our beginning has already been sweeter than any previous experience I’ve had.. He is joy, laughter, love and a blessing, the best thing though is that he is mine. He is so unique to anyone else, and I thank God for him everyday.

a happenstance

God is playing such a role in who i am, for I know that the happiness I am feeling could only come from him.The sadness is over and that flame which consumed me,that filled me with anger has been put out.Out of the ashes has risen a new person.Perhaps, no different than the one before, simply evolved. I now know what i need, and what is in my heart.As I look around I see good; happiness, love, joy, I see bad, but life has been put into perspective.God has blessed me with an angel.A man who loves me for who I am, who in the short time I have come to know him has already cherished me more than any other; who makes me feel, for the first time in my life that I’m not a failure.He has shown me what it is to be loved, I can only hope that I in turn show him the same. He doesnt only say words, but demonstrates them, as well as demonstrating his faith and this..amazes me.So as I think of him in awe and wonderment I see, that for the first time in my life I am not ashamed anymore of who I am, because I know that God loves me regardless, and that is why he blessed  me with such an amazing person.I am in love..and that’s all there is to it.

I am Hannelore Brun..I can do anything with God in my heart, and love in my life, afterall what is life without love?

A life lived without love, isn’t a life at all, for a life without love just isn’t worth living.

a moment

the blink of eye, the corner of the mouth as it begins to shape into a smile, a breath, a whisper, a moment.One look, one embrace, and one question all in one moment.In one moment, the world can change.In one single breathtaking moment I can finally say the words i have been holding back, I can let my heart feel again,and set my mind free, as I let go of the past I was so dearly clinging on to,and run to the present, the present which is full of happiness, a such long awaited happiness.This moment, here and now, I can finally let go.As I look around in this moment I see good;happiness, love, joy.I see bad too, but life has been put into perspective.I am no longer ashamed of who i am, I am no longer a failure, i simply am…in this moment, I can breathe…in this moment… I can live

Exhale

I walk down the smooth pavement,the suns rays warming my face.Perhaps I wasnt meant to have the love i wanted…and I began to doubt that I even had/have love..but then i opened my eyes..I took in a breath and as I exhaled I finally saw..I saw a girl holding her little brother’s hand and walking him across the little brook,their pants rolled up as they wade across the cool water, i saw two little boys playing together and laughing…The water rushing down the stream making sure to pass over every pebble, the wind as it embraced the trees, and the grass as it danced to the winds song.I saw love..Love may not be what we think..perhaps we will find it in the smallest of things, a flower from a childhood sweetheart, an embrace from a dear friend, or even just the sun as its rays warm your face.I do know though, that as long as you keep your eyes open love will find you, one way or another.As this realization came to me, so did a smile.I may not have found the love i wanted, but what i have now is worth so much more than that.I am content with how things are, and that is in fact all I have ever wanted to be.So I will not be scared to try again, for i know that even if the love im expecting wont be there, the wind, the trees, friends, family, God..they will Always be there, and I will always be strong…

New Beginnings

  As I walk through the halls, I hold my head up high.An important part of my life was ended, and like it ended today I will start by having confidence in myself.Knowing that no matter what life throws at me i can get through it I had the strength to do what needed to be done and now I can move on knowing I gave that year my best.I’ll miss having a hand to hold, bu I can’t dwell on that anymore.The look in those eyes isn’t caring, the love, i suppose has faded.Things now are as they should be.No matter what lies on the path ahead I’ll be ready, I can conquer anything on my own because I know I will never truly be alone.This isn’t just a new journal this is a new chapter in my life.The pages blank, ready for me to write my destiny, ready for me to carry on.If I look back, I’ll have no regrets, because my past makes me who I am in my present.With this new chapter in my life comes a new me, a new beginning a clean slate.I am Hannelore Brun, I am a musician, writer, artist, and friend.I am a beautiful person inside and out.I am nothing,for I simply am.

stop

I stop, and look, look at my life and where i am at this moment.I wish i could just drop everything, no more obligations,duties,nothing expected of me.no more waiting.no disappointment.nothing.just me.I’m tired.tired of everything, its just too much.I wish i could get in the car and drive.no destination, no timeline, no limits just drive and keep driving till i get somewhere where nobody knows my name or face.Where i can just be.For that moment just be who i am instead of what im “supposed to be” “need to be” “expected to be” and just be.I know that people have issues and there are people way worse off, I’m not complaining about my life i simply want a break from who I have become.I walk through each day as a different person, the events and people around me changing who i am and while sometimes its a good change..other times like this. the person i have become is the reflection i cant bear to look at.and im alone.the one person I love doesnt have time for me..and the people who care have no idea who i am..I have to find myself…by myself.when i finally find that person perhaps all these thoughts will fade.doctor’s tel me i cnt sleep cause im an insomniac, but i believe they are wrong.I cannot sleep because there r too many thoughts flooding through my mind.night is the one time i can be who i want to be without having to worry about those obligations..without having to make other people happy…and so right now i will drive..drive with no destination in mind, no limits, nothing.just me,and i will simply be.for a moment.if only a moment.

writing my destiny

A fragile and intricate pattern shows as my pen touches the paper forming words.And each letter, each line is another stroke of the bigger picture I am trying to paint.Take the stars for instance, it was once thought that our fate, our destiny, was written in the stars.I know this to be false.For each mark my pen makes is another change in the course of events, the events that make my life.By living my life I touch someone else’s, and they go on to do the same thing.So you see the picture is a great deal larger than you or I.With each step I take as I wander my thoughts, something changes in me, which will turn change the world.For as I said, the bigger picture involves each living being, the thoughts of just one can change the world forever.Be it good or bad and with each change we make or choose not make, It is our choice, we decide, and therein we write our destiny.

That Girl-a lesson I learned

Perhaps if I were skinnier, prettier, or smarter

Perhaps if I changed my clothes, my style, my hair

Perhaps then I’d be that girl,

Perhaps for once you’d be proud of me

No.

These thoughts I’ll have no more

No “perhaps” or “what if”

You may not be proud, but others are.

You may not love me, but I need not your love.

This isnt written out of pity, or defeat.

This is written out of confidence, as a warning.

I will rise, I will be strong.

I am David and God on my sde.

You will not triumph!

You are nothing…against the Glory of God,

and I will Not fear you.

There may be days when my strength wavers,

but heed my word “friend”

I am strong, I have faith and hope and and love

I-no-we will prevail.you are Nothing.

She is Gone, That Girl,

That Scared, Useless, Worthless, Child.

She left you, I have taken her place,

You are no more…..

thought

Chaos, my thoughts are nothing but chaos.my mind running in circles, my body fatigued from swimming upstream in a river of thought.I may as well lay on a bed of thorns for rest does no good.Restless, my body demands  I Move and yet my body won’t Move.My feet won’t Move, they won’t continue on their Path, the Path of the Unknown.The Unknown that I have to walk into Without a Light.Darkness has extended a Cold arm around me.I can’t leave its Cold embrace.The more that I try to find my way, the more I Cannot See.I’m Blind, Blind to happiness and love.They have deserted me.Now my only friend is Loneliness. Alone, being Alone ,how can one survive?I have many things in life but Alone is it Life?Life lived alone isn’t a life at all,Living requires love and happiness.The mirror shows Fear, Sadness and Pain.Pain, I shouldn’t feel through this numbness and yet it’s all I Feel.Fear that I am losing myself. Sadness as my heart continues to shatter and pieces fade into Nothing. My existence, Nothing.Nothing is all I Feel.Feelings Unknown to me. I am fading and yet I must continue to Live out each day in this Body, this Facade.I cannot Find happiness outside myself till i Find it inside myself.But if I am Lost how is it to be Found?I am to Roam the Fields of My Thoughts for Eternity…..

the fine line between reality…and dreams

The bitter rain slams into my face, as I fall to my knees wondering how this could happen.The cold wind stings my face as it hits me with force enough to carry my breath away with it.Pain strikes me as my body turns to ice and it seems a million shards of glass pierce my skin.With every fiber of my being I force my eyes open and tears stream down my face, as I come to terms with this reality.This pain there must be a cure, again pain strikes me as I struggle to stand, is this what it feels to lose something so dear? Can this be real? The puddles of water around me turn the color of crimson as I am forced to the ground my heart penetrated with pain.Goosebumps flutter up my spine.The world stops as I look and see the one I love…no life, no breath, no light.His pale face shining against the scarlet stained sidewalk, as the realization hits me head on.His heart beats no more, I see nothing but my pathetic reflection in his eyes.Everything fades as anger wells up in my eyes, like a fire, ready to consume every inch of my being. A fire that the rain cannot put out, a broken heart nothing can mend.I feel numb and yet the rain continues to pour and each drop adds to the ocean of thoughts in my head. I can’t go on..Life lived without love isn’t worth living now there is only Darkness..my thoughts fade into nothing, my body ceases to feel and yet I hear something, a voice? perhaps a whisper, or a gust of wind; and with that wind I take my final breath then close my eyes one last time…….The darkness of my room consumes me;as I force myself to stand and I look in the mirror and see that darkness there under my eyes, i can only hope this dream never becomes a reality.